T. Maccius Plautus, Pseudolus, or The Cheat
Henry Thomas Riley, Ed.

PSEUDOLUS
If the immortal Gods ever did determine that any person should be assisted by their aid, now do they intend that Calidorus shall be preserved for me, and the procurer destroyed, inasmuch as they produced you for my assistant, so clever and so knowing a fellow. (Looking back.) But where is he? am I not a silly fellow to be thus talking to myself alone? I' faith, he has put a trick upon myself, as I fancy; myself one knave, I have been poorly on my guard against another knave. By my troth I'm undone, if this fellow's off, and I shall not carry into effect this day what I intended. But see, there he is, a statue that deserves a whipping; how stately he does stalk along! HARPAX.

PSEUDOLUS
How now! By my faith I was looking about for you; I was very greatly afraid that you were off.

SIMO
It was my character to do so, I confess.

PSEUDOLUS
Where were you loitering?

SIMO
Where I pleased.

PSEUDOLUS
That I know well enough already.

SIMO
Why then do you ask me what you know?

PSEUDOLUS
Why this I want, to put you in mind.

SIMO
Needing to be put in mind yourself, don't you be putting me in mind.

PSEUDOLUS
Really I am treated by you quite with contempt.

SIMO
And why shouldn't I treat you with contempt, I who have the repute of being a military gentleman?

PSEUDOLUS
I want this then, which has been commenced, to be completed.

SIMO
Do you see me a-doing anything else?

PSEUDOLUS
Therefore walk on briskly.

SIMO
No, I choose to go slowly.

PSEUDOLUS
This is the opportunity; while this Harpax is asleep, I want you to be the first to accost him.

SIMO
Why are you hurrying? Softly; don't you fear. I wish Jupiter would so make it, that he were openly in the same place with me, whoever he is, that has arrived from the Captain. Never a jot, by my troth, should he be a bit the better Harpax than I. Have good courage, I'll have this business nicely accounted for to you. So by my tricks and lies would I put this military stranger in a fright that he himself would deny that he is the person that he is, and would believe me to be the person that he himself is.

PSEUDOLUS
How can that be?

SIMO
You are murdering me when you ask me that.

PSEUDOLUS
A clever fellow.

SIMO
And so are you too, who are quite my equal with your mischievous tricks and lies * * * * * * *

PSEUDOLUS
May Jupiter preserve you for me.

SIMO
Aye, and for myself. But look, does this dress become me quite well?

PSEUDOLUS
It suits very well.

SIMO
Be it so.

PSEUDOLUS
May the Deities grant you as many blessings as you may wish for yourself. For if I were to wish for as many as you are deserving of, they would be less than nothing; aside nor have I ever seen any one more of a rogue than this fellow.

SIMO
overhearing him . Do you say that to me?

PSEUDOLUS
This man's an honest fellow.

SIMO
It is neither this person, then pointing to PSEUDOLUS , nor myself.

PSEUDOLUS
But take care that you don't be tripping.

SIMO
Can't you hold your tongue? He that puts a man in mind of that which, remembering it, he does keep in mind, causes him to forget it. I recollect everything; they are stored up in my breast; my plans are cleverly laid.

PSEUDOLUS
I'm silent. But what good turn shall I do you if you carry through this matter with management? So may the Gods love me----

SIMO
They won't do so; you'll be uttering sheer falsehoods then.

PSEUDOLUS
How I do love you, Simmia, for your roguery, and both fear and laud you.

SIMO
That I have learned to make a present of to others; you can't put your flatteries on me.

PSEUDOLUS
In how delightful a manner I shall receive you this day, when you have completed this matter.

SIMO
Ha, ha, ha! Laughing.

PSEUDOLUS
With nice viands, wine, perfumes, and titbits between our cups. There, too, shall be a charming damsel, who shall give you kiss upon kiss.

SIMO
You will be receiving me in a delightful manner.

PSEUDOLUS
Aye, and if you effect it, then I'll make you say so still more.

SIMO
If I don't effect it, do you, the executioner, take me off to torture. But make haste and point out to me where is the door of the procurer's house.

PSEUD.
'Tis the third hence.

SIMO
Hist! hush! the door's opening.

PSEUDOLUS
In my mind, I believe that the house is poorly.

SIMO
Why so?

PSEUDOLUS
Because, i' faith, it is vomiting forth the procurer. BALLIO is coming out of his house.

SIMO
Is this he?

PSEUDOLUS
This is his own self.

SIMO
'Tis a worthless commodity.

PSEUDOLUS
Do see that: he doesn't go straight, but sideways, just as a crab is wont. They conceal themselves from BALLIO.

BALLIO
I do believe that this fellow is not so bad a cook as I thought he was; for he has clawed off nothing as yet except a cup and a tankard.

PSEUDOLUS
apart to SIMMIA . Hallo you! now's your opportunity and your time.

SIMO
I agree with you.

PSEUDOLUS
Step slily out into the street; I'll be here in ambush. SIMMIA steps forward, and then walks along the middle of the street to meet BALLIO.

SIMO
talking aloud to himself . I took the number carefully; this is the sixth lane from the city gate; down that lane he bade me turn; how many houses down he told me, that I don't quite know for certain.

BALLIO
eyeing SIMMIA . Who's this fellow in the scarf, or whence does he come, or whom is he looking for? The appearance of the fellow seems outlandish and shabby.

SIMO
But see, here's a person, who, from uncertainty, will make the thing more certain for me that I wish to know.

BALLIO
He's coming straight towards me. Where in the world am I to say this fellow comes from?

SIMO
Harkye! you who are standing there with a goat's beard, answer me this that I ask you.

BALLIO
How now! Don't you salute me first?

SIMO
with a surly voice . I have no salutations to give away.

BALLIO
Well, troth, you shall get just as much from here then.

PSEUDOLUS
from behind . Well done, at the very beginning.

SIMO
Do you know any person in this lane, I ask you?

BALLIO
I know myself.

SIMO
Few persons do that which you mention; for in the Forum there is hardly every tenth person that knows his own self.

PSEUDOLUS
from behind . I'm all right; he is philosophizing now.

SIMO
I'm looking for a fellow here, a bad one, a law breaker, an impious, perjured, and dishonest rogue.

BALLIO
aside . He's looking for me, for those are my titles If he would only mention the name. To SIMMIA. What's the name of this person?

SIMO
Ballio, the procurer.

BALLIO
Do I know him? I am the very person, young man, that you are looking for.

SIMO
What, are you Ballio?

BALLIO
I really am he.

SIMO
How you are clothed, a housebreaker * * * * * * * * * * He takes hold of BALLIO'S cloak.

BALLIO
I think if you were to see me in the dark, you'd be keeping your hand off.

SIMO
My master bade me present you many greetings. Receive this letter from me; he bade me give you it.

BALLIO
Who's the person that bade you?

PSEUDOLUS
from behind . I'm undone, now the fellow's in the middle of the mud. He doesn't know the name--this business is at a dead lock.

BALLIO
Who do you say sent me this?

SIMO
Observe the seal; do you yourself tell me his name, that I may know that you are Ballio himself.

BALLIO
Give me the letter.

SIMO
Take it, and look at the seal. Gives him the letter.

BALLIO
looking at it . Oho! 'Tis nothing more nor less than Polymachæroplagides¹, his own very self; I recognize it. Hallo you, Polymachæroplagides is his name!

SIMO
I know now that I have rightly given you the letter, since you have mentioned the name of Polymachæroplagides,

BALLIO
How fares he?

SIMO
By my troth, just as a brave man and a good soldier should. But make haste, I beg, to read this letter through, for it is requisite to do so, and to take this money at once and send out the damsel. For it's necessary for me this day to be at Sicyon², or else to suffer death to-morrow; so peremptory is my master.

BALLIO
I know it: you are telling those who know it already.

SIMO
Make haste then to read the letter through.

BALLIO
I'll do so, if you'll only hold your tongue. He reads the letter. "The Captain Polymachæroplagides sends this letter, written to the procurer Ballio, sealed with the impression which was formerly agreed upon between us two."

SIMO
The token's in the letter

BALLIO
I see the token and I recognize it. But is he in the habit of sending no greeting written in his letter?

SIMO
Such is the military etiquette, Ballio; with their hand they send health to their well-wishers, and with the same do they send destruction to their evil-wishers. But as you have commenced, go on to ascertain of yourself what this letter says.

BALLIO
Listen then. Reading on. "Harpax is my camp-servant, who has come to you." Are you this Harpax?

SIMO
I am, and the real Harpax too³.

BALLIO
reading on . "Who brings this letter; I wish the money to be received from him, and the woman to be sent together with him. 'Tis becoming to send greeting to the worthy; had I deemed you worthy, I should have sent it to you."

SIMO
What then?

BALLIO
Pay me the money, take away the woman.

SIMO
Which of us is delaying the matter?

BALLIO
Follow me in-doors then.

SIMO
I'm following. They go into BALLIO'S house.

PSEUDOLUS
I' troth, a more artful fellow, and one more skilfully cunning, I never did see than is this same Simmia. Very much do I dread this man, and sadly do I fear that he may prove mischievous against myself just as he has been against him; lest in his prosperity he may now turn his horns against me, if he finds an opportunity. Should he prove mischievous towards me * * * * But, i' faith, for my part I hope not, for I wish well to him. Now in three ways am I in the greatest dread. First of all then, I dread this comrade of mine, lest he should forsake me and go over from me to the enemy. Next do I dread that my master should in the meantime return from the Forum; lest, the booty taken, the plunderers should be taken. Together with these things do I fear, lest that other Harpax should arrive here before this Harpax has departed hence with the woman. By my faith, I'm undone; they are very slow in coming out of doors. With baggage packed⁴ up, my heart is waiting, ready, if he doesn't bring out the damsel together with himself, to fly away in exile out from of my breast. * * * * * * The door of BALLIO'S house opens. I'm the conqueror-- I've got the better of my wary guards.

SIMO
to PHŒNICIUM . Don't weep: you know not how the matter is, Phœnicium; but before long I'll let you know it when you are resting. I'm not leading you to that Macedonian long-teethed fellow, who now causes you to be weeping. To him will I lead you, whose you especially long to be. I'll cause you before very long to be embracing Calidorus.

PSEUDOLUS
Prithee, why did you stay so long in-doors? For how long a time was my heart throbbing with beating against my breast.

SIMO
You have found reason, you whipping-post, with a vengeance to be making enquires of me * * * * * * * amid the ambush of the enemy. Why don't we go home with all speed with military strides⁵.

PSEUDOLUS
Now, by my troth, although you are a worthless fellow, you advise aright. March in triumphal procession, this way, straight in the path to the festive goblet. They march off in triumphal procession.

BALLIO
Ha, ha, ha! laughing. Now, at last, my mind is in a state of ease, since that fellow has departed hence, and taken away the woman. I should like Pseudolus now to come, that wicked rascal, to carry the woman off from me by his stratagems. I know for sure, right well, that I had rather in solemn form perjure myself a thousand times, than that he should cheat me by making a laughing-stock of me. By my troth now, I'll laugh at the fellow if I meet him. But I guess that he'll soon be on the treadmill, just as befits him. Now I wish for Simo that he would come in my way, in order that he might be joyful in common with my joy.

SIMO
to himself . I'm going to see what business my Ulysses has transacted; whether he now has the statue⁶ from the Ballionian citadel.

BALLIO
O, lucky man! give me your lucky hand. Takes his hand.

SIMO
What's the matter?

BALLIO
Now.

SIMO
What now?

BALLIO
There's nothing at all for you to fear.

SIMO
What's the matter? Has that fellow Pseudolus come to you?

BALLIO
No.

SIMO
What good fortune is there, then?

BALLIO
Your twenty minæ are safe and sound which Pseudolus stipulated for from you this day.

SIMO
I' faith, I really do wish they were.

BALLIO
Ask of me twenty minæ if he this day gets hold of that woman, or gives her to your son this day, as he has promised. On my word, prithee, do demand them of me; I quite long to promise them. And, besides this, keep the woman as a present for yourself, that in every way you may know that your money's safe.

SIMO
There's no danger that I know of in making this bargain. According as you have solemnly pledged your word, will you give me twenty minæ?

BALLIO
They shall be given.

SIMO
This, indeed, is not sa badly done. But have you met the fellow?

BALLIO
Aye, both of them together.

SIMO
What did he say? What did ho talk about? Prithee, what did he mention to you?

BALLIO
Theatrical nonsense; expressions which, in comedies, are wont to be used to a procurer, which boys are acquainted with. He said that I was worthless, and wicked, and forsworn.

SIMO
I' faith, he told no lie.

BALLIO
'Twas for that reason I wasn't angry. For what matters it for you to speak uncivilly to him who cares not for it, and who don't deny the truth of what you say?

SIMO
Why is it that you are in no fear of him? That I'm longing to hear.

BALLIO
Because he never will carry the woman off now, nor is he able. Don't you yourself remember that I told you, some time since, that she had been sold to a Macedonian officer?

SIMO
I remember.

BALLIO
Well, his servant just now brought me the money, and the token with the impression, which had been arranged between himself and me.

SIMO
What then?

BALLIO
He took away with him the woman, not long since.

SIMO
Do you say this in real truth?

BALLIO
Whence could I possibly have that quality?

SIMO
Do you only take care that he hasn't been playing some trick there.

BALLIO
The letter and the impress on the seal make me sure. Indeed, 'twas but just now he took her off for Sicyon.

SIMO
Troth now, 'twas well done. Why do I delay to make Pseudolus give a name⁷ to a colony at the mill-stones? But who's this fellow in the scarf?

BALLIO
I don't know, i' faith; however, let's observe whither he's going, and what business he's upon. They stand on one side.

HARPAX
to himself . That slave's a base and worthless fellow, who values his master's commands at nought; and he, too, is good for nothing who is forgetful to do his duty unless he's put in mind. But those who forthwith deem themselves to be at liberty, when they have hidden themselves from the sight of their master, who riot, wench, devour what they have,--aye, what they have not,--long do those same endure the name of servitude. Nor is there any good disposition in them, except only that they may uphold themselves by their dishonest contrivances. With these, neither their company nor their conversation suits me, nor by these persons have I been ever known. Although he is away, I consider my master as being here; I fear him when he isn't here, that I may not have to fear him when he is here. Therefore, as I have been ordered, to this business will I give my attention. But that Syrus, to whom I gave the token, would have been letting me stay even yet in the shop. As he bade me, I stayed there; he said that he would send for me when the procurer was at home. But since he hasn't come, or called me while staying there, I'm come hither of my own accord, that I may know what is the fact, that that fellow mayn't be playing tricks with me. And there is nothing better than that I should knock at this door, and call some out here from indoors. I want this procurer to take this money of me, and to send off this woman with me. Goes towards BALLIO'S door.

BALLIO
from behind, to SIMO . Hark you!

SIMO
apart . What do you want?

BALLIO
apart . This fellow's my own. SIMO. apart . How so?

BALLIO
apart, pointing to the purse in the hand of HARPAX . Because that booty's mine. He's in search of a mistress he has got money. I already long to fix my teeth in him.

SIMO
apart . Are you going to devour him already?

BALLIO
apart . While he's fresh, while he's in the habit of giving away, while he's warm upon it, 'tis proper for him to be gobbled up. The good men keep me poor, the bad ones support me; the virtuous are a benefit to the public, the debauched to myself.

SIMO
aside . A mischief may the Gods send you; such a villain are you.

BALLIO
apart . Venus bestows upon me these blessings, when she drives hither these haters of money, these who quite long for losses, who carefully pamper themselves and their youthful age, eat, drink, and wench. Of quite different dispositions are they and you.

HARPAX
to himself . I'm now delaying myself, in not knocking at this door, that I may know whether or no Ballio is at home now. Calls out, going up to the door. Hallo! where are you? Hallo! where are you?

BALLIO
apart . Why, he's going straight up towards my house. I shall come off finely loaded with plunder from this fellow; I know it's a lucky omen for me.

HARPAX
knocking violently at the door . Does any one come to open this door?

BALLIO
calling out to him . Hallo! you in the scarf, what's owing you at that house?

HARPAX
I'm enquiring for Ballio, the procurer, the master of the house.

BALLIO
Whoever you are, young man, make short work of your enquiries.

HARPAX
Why so?

BALLIO
Because he himself in person sees you in his presence before him.

HARPAX
What, are you he?

SIMO
You in the scarf, take you care, please, of some crooked misfortune, and point your finger⁸ at him; this fellow is a procurer.

BALLIO
pointing to SIMO . And this is an honest man. To SIMO. But you, worthy fellow, are many a time being hunted after in the Forum with noise enough, when you haven't a groat in the world, unless this procurer here comes to help you a bit.

HARPAX
But why don't you address yourself to me?

BALLIO
I do address you. What is it you want?

HARPAX
You to take this money. He holds out the five minæ.

BALLIO
holding out his hand . Already have I extended my hand, if you are going to give it.

HARPAX
Take it; here are five picked minæ of silver counted out. Gives him the money. This did my master, Polymachæroplagides. order me to deliver to you, the sum which he was owing, and that you were to send Phœnicium with me.

BALLIO
Your master?

HARPAX
I say to that effect.

BALLIO
The Captain?

HARPAX
I speak to that effect.

BALLIO
The Macedonian?

HARPAX
Such is the fact, I say.

BALLIO
Polymachæroplagides sent you to me?

HARPAX
You say what's fact.

BALLIO
To give me this money?

HARPAX
If you really are the procurer Ballio.

BALLIO
And for you to take away the woman from me?

HARPAX
Even so.

BALLIO
Did he say that it was Phœnicium?

HARPAX
You remember it exactly.

BALLIO
Wait there; I'll return to you this instant.

HARPAX
Make haste, then, with all speed, for I'm in a hurry. 'Tis now late in the day, d'ye see?

BALLIO
I see; still I wish to call this person aside. Do you only wait there; I'll return to you this instant. He takes SIMO on one side. What's to be done now, Simo? What are we to do? I've detected this fellow that has brought the money in the fact.

SIMO
How so?

BALLIO
And don't you understand what this plan is?

SIMO
About as much as the most ignorant do.

BALLIO
Your servant, Pseudolus, has sent this fellow on the message, as though he was from the Macedonian Captain.

SIMO
Have you got the money from the fellow?

BALLIO
Do you ask about that which you see? Shows the purse in his hand.

SIMO
Harkye, remember to give me one half of that plunder. It's right that that should be in common.

BALLIO
Why, plague on't, 'tis all your own⁹.

HARPAX
coming forward a step . How soon are you going to attend to me?

BALLIO
I'll attend to you, indeed. Aside. What now do you advise me to do, Simo?

SIMO
aside . Let's make some fun of this counterfeit spy, even until he himself shall be sensible that he is being made a fool of.

BALLIO
Follow me. To HARPAX. What have you to say? You are his servant, I suppose?

HARPAX
Most certainly.

BALLIO
At what price did he purchase you?

HARPAX
With the victory of his prowess in battle; for I was a very great general at home in my own country.

BALLIO
Why, did he ever capture a gaol in your country?

HARPAX
If you utter affronting speeches, you'll be hearing them.

BALLIO
In what time did you come from Sicyon hither?

HARPAX
In one day, by noon.

SIMO
Bravo! By my troth, you did come quickly; how very swift of foot this man is.

BALLIO
When you look at his calves, you might know that he can wear heavy fetters. How say you--were you also, when a child, in the habit of sleeping in a cradle?

SIMO
Of course.

BALLIO
And were you, too, in the habit of doing¹⁰--you know what I mean?

SIMO
Of course he was in the habit of doing as other children did?

HARPAX
Are you men in your senses?

BALLIO
What, because I asked you that? At night, when the Captain was going on guard, and when you were going with him, did the sword of the officer fit your scabbard?

HARPAX
Go to utter perdition.

BALLIO
You, indeed, shall have the opportunity of going there in good time to-day.

HARPAX
But do you bring out the woman to me, or else give me back the money.

BALLIO
Wait a bit.

HARPAX
Why should I wait?

BALLIO
That scarf, tell me for how much it has been lent.

HARPAX
What matters it?

SIMO
How much is the sword hired for?

HARPAX
These fellows surely stand in need of hellebore¹¹.

BALLIO
How now--Takes hold of him. HAR. repulsing him . Leave me alone.

BALLIO
What wages does that broad-brimmed hat hire to-day for its owner?

HARPAX
What owner?

SIMO
What do the shoes? * * * * * * *

HARPAX
What are you dreaming about? Why, I'm the owner of all these things, bought with my own savings.

BALLIO
Those, you mean, which the upper part of your thighs supports¹².

HARPAX
aside . These old fellows have been anointed; they want themselves rubbed down¹³, after the old-fashioned custom.

BALLIO
I' faith, prithee, answer me this truly and seriously, which I ask of you: What are you to earn? For how trifling a sum has Pseudolus hired you?

HARPAX
Who is this Pseudolus?

BAR.
Your tutor, who has instructed you in this knavery, to take away the woman hence from me by stratagem.

HARPAX
What Pseudolus, and what stratagem are you talking to me about? A person that I know of no colour, black or white.

BALLIO
Will you not be off from here? There's no profit here for swindlers to-day. Therefore you may tell Pseudolus that another person has carried off the prize-the first Harpax that came.

HARPAX
On my word, I really am that Harpax.

BALLIO
Aye, on my word, you want to be. This is nothing more nor less than a downright impostor.

HARPAX
I have given yourself the money, and a while ago, immediately on my arrival, the token to your servant; a letter sealed with the likeness of my master, here before the door.

BALLIO
You gave a letter to my servant? What servant?

HARPAX
To Syrus.

BALLIO
to SIMO . The wicked rogue has assurance enough¹⁴. He hasn't contrived his knavish scheme amiss. By my faith, that whipping-post of a fellow, Pseudolus, how cleverly he has managed his plans; just as much money as the Captain owed, he has given this man, and has dressed out the fellow that he might take away the woman * * * * * * * * To HARPAX. But the real Harpax himself brought that letter hither to me.

HARPAX
My name is Harpax; I am the servant of the Macedonian Captain. I'm doing nothing roguishly or cheatingly, nor do I know or understand this Pseudolus, what mortal being he is.

SIMO
Unless it's something wonderful, procurer, you've clearly lost the woman.

BALLIO
Assuredly, by my troth, I'm in dread of that more and more, when I come to hear his words. I' faith, that Syrus, too, has already set my heart a-freezing, that received the token from him.

SIMO
'Tis a wonder if it isn't Pseudolus. To HARPAX. How now, you! of what appearance was the person to whom you delivered the token?

HARPAX
A certain red-haired fellow¹⁵, pot-bellied, with thick calves, swarthy, with a big head, sharp eyes, red face, and very large feet.

BALLIO
You prove our undoing, when you mention the feet. It was Pseudolus himself. It's all up with me. I'm dying now, Simo.

HARPAX
By my troth, I shan't let you die, unless the money's returned me-twenty minæ.

SIMO
And another twenty minæ to me as well.

BALLIO
to SIMO . And is the sum to be taken of me that I promised by way of a joke?

SIMO
From unprincipled men it's proper for both their money and their plunder to be taken.

BALLIO
At least you might give up Pseudolus to me.

SIMO
I, give up Pseudolus to you? What has he done amiss? Did I not tell you a hundred times that you were to beware of him?

BALLIO
He has ruined me.

SIMO
And on me he has laid a fine of twenty fair minæ.

BALLIO
What am I to do then?

HARPAX
When you have given me the money--go hang yourself.

BALLIO
The Gods confound you. To HARPAX. Follow me, then, this way, please, to the Forum, that I may pay you.

HARPAX
I follow you.

SIMO
What am I to do?

BALLIO
Strangers I'll pay at once; to-morrow I'll settle with fellow-citizens. Pseudolus has been holding a councilgeneral¹⁶ against my life, in sending that fellow to me to-day to carry off the woman. To HARPAX. Do you follow me, To the AUDIENCE. Now don't you be expecting that I shall be returning home this way. As matters stand, I've determined to go through the alleys.

HARPAX
If you had walked at the rate you talk, you'd by this have been at the Forum.

BALLIO
I'm determined to make this, instead of my birthday, my dying day. (Exit BALLIO, HARPAX following.)

SIMO
I've touched this fellow handsomely, and cleverly has my servant managed his adversary. Now am I resolved to lie in ambush for Pseudolus in a different manner to what's done in other plays, where people lie in wait with goads or whips. Without revenge will I at once pay down the twenty minæ which I promised if he should effect it. I'll carry them to him of my own accord. This creature is very clever, very cunning, very artful. Pseudolus has surpassed the Trojan stratagem¹⁷ and Ulysses too. Now I'll be off in-doors. I'll take out the money; I'll lie in ambush for Pseudolus. Goes into his house.